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Play Time
Play dates are good for children, and their parents, too

As seen in Chicago's Southtown News
April 25, 2007
Featuring Funplaydates.com

By Steve Metsch Staff writer

It's Friday morning at the Grabinger home in Tinley Park and the noise level is between ear-splitting and nerve-rattling.

What do you expect when 10 children age 4 or younger -- and nine of them boys -- gather in one large room?
The running, yelling, crying and occasional skirmishes don't bother the five moms who are there. It's all part of the socialization process that comes with the monthly play dates.

This group is for the preschool set, but families with older children also arrange dates, usually through the first few years of elementary school.

"What makes a good play date is kids who want to play, moms who get along, and just fun. It's fun (for kids) to play with different toys," said Jennifer Drucker, 34, the mother of Nicholas, 4, and Jacob, 22 months.

"It's been great for them," Kara Brennan, 33, said. "It's great to play with other children the same age."
Danielle Young agreed, and cited an added bonus.

"This is good for the children, but the mothers really value the friendship and the time together, too, maybe more than the children," Young, 35, said.

Each month, the mother who hosts the play date picks a restaurant that she and the other moms will later visit for dinner without spouses and children.

On this particular day, Donny Grabinger, 4, loads up on cheese and crackers to fuel his engine. For the children present, snack time is the only quiet part of their get-together.

Back in action, Donny and Kevin Brennan squeeze into a toy box, while Ben Morrey busies himself lining cars and trucks on the floor. A brief skirmish develops over whom gets to play with a remote-control truck. Eighteen-month-old Rachel Young, the only girl, observes the action and tries to not get run over.

Uh-oh. There's a fight over a remote control truck.

"But I had it first," Jack Morrey, 4, yells as mother Sara escorts him from the truck.

Later, Ryan Young pushes Kevin during an argument over a toy. A second shove earns him a brief time-out on the stairs.

But fights are still fairly rare with these kids as they learn how to, well, play with other kids.

"They have a blast, and we have fun getting together," Brennan said.

Take cue from the kids
"In terms of setting up a play date, it starts with the parents because a kid is a kid. But the parents should take cues from their children," said Scott Adler, manager editor of www.BabyCenter.com.

In other words, if you see your child playing with another at a park, you may have someone with whom a future play date can be arranged.

"If your kid has a natural reaction to another child, follow their lead and explore whether or not the parents would be open to setting something up," Adler said.

It's important to remember you can't make children like each other, and you shouldn't force play dates if they children aren't interested. This applies to older kids, not toddlers.

"You can't force anything on a kid. They are individuals and at a certain point, you have to cut bait and move on, he said. "Like anything you push with a child, you won't get the reaction you want."

Never too early
If you think those little carpet crawlers can't have fun together, think again.

"There's no recommended age because a babies are so interested in other babies from the beginning," Adler said. "An online poll found that 36 percent of parents set up play dates with other infants in the first six months, and 42 percent did that in the first seven to 11 months.

"Again, it may not be laughter and buttercups and moonbeams, but it will be interesting between babies who are thinking, 'Who's the other kid across the way?'"

Play dates are good for toddlers who are 2 or 3 "because they are learning to socialize with each other," Adler said.

"It's a learning experience for them, and there will be some power struggles because kids are on the dawn of their independence and will assert themselves."

Keep it local
Colleen Cuthbertson, 33, of Tinley Park, likes the dates she sets up for daughter Addyson, 2, to stay local.
"I do play dates with neighbors who have kids of a similar age. We go to each other's houses," Cuthbertson said.

She and her friends will call each other ahead of time and limit the time to an hour or two while they eat lunch.
"I think it's good for my daughter's social skills. She's not in day care. This helps," said Cuthbertson, who works as a pediatric nurse several days a week.

Thanks to familiarity, she and her friends are comfortable with the idea of dropping their children off at each other's homes while running errands.

How long should it be?
Ray Forlenza, the father of two young boys in Tinley Park, called play dates "a way to keep them organized."
"Kids don't have the time to be kids now, it seems. It's not the, 'Let's do this today' kind of thing we had when we were kids.

"The best way to set up a play date, usually, is one parent (calling) another and saying, 'Can we set up a date?' A good play date lasts three to four hours," Forlenza said.

But for some, that may be a tad too long.

Michelle Muldoon, marketing and development president of www.funplaydates.com, said two hours might be preferable.

"Two hours is the average. The lucky kids get a three-hour play date. Sometimes, it takes a while to get into play itself, depending on how well the kids know each other," she said.

"For the little ones, it can be hard because they don't have the social skills. They have to develop of sense of getting into each other's territory," Muldoon said.

It's best to have toys at the ready before guests arrive.

"That way, they don't have to think about it, and can just start playing," Muldoon said.

Don't be too structured
While Muldoon thinks it's best to "let them do their own thing" when kids get together, it's OK to plan a wee bit.
"Let's say if you're getting the kids together, you can go for a group walk, something like that. You have to make it a little exciting. But, ultimately, the best is when they all get together," she said.

The group we visited has become more structured over time.

Sara Morrey said they used to have nothing planned, but things got too hectic. Now, each hostess will offer a small craft project and snack time, rather than have the snacks always at the ready.

It's important, Muldoon said, to make sure children just don't plunk themselves in front of the TV set.
"Some kids don't take the initiative themselves, so you have to nudge them along. You don't want them sitting at home playing video games all day.

Adler heartily agreed.
"Watching the TV is not a play date. It's comatose," he said. "Avoid the TV and the computer games and all that."

Stick around
The best places to meet families is at day care centers or schools, said Rob Bulthuis, of Tinley Park, whose daughter Marlie, 6, is in kindergarten.

"That's where we meet other parents," he said.
He and his wife don't drop their kids off and head for the door. They like to, at least the first few times, stay and chat with the parents while kids play.

"Do we hang out? Absolutely. You definitely want to see how the children interact, if there are any sibling rivalries, if there's a dog or cat, things like that," he said.

Bulthuis said you should ask parents if their children have an allergies to pets or certain foods.
"We've never had any problems with that, but it's good to know," Bulthuis said.

A nice side benefit of play dates, he said, is that the parents often become friends.

"My wife has gone to Hawaii with a friend she met through day care a few years ago, and we're still good friends with them," Bulthuis said.