Ask the Expert - Dr. Betty Lou Bettner

Ask the Expert

Q: What do you tell a child that feels left out of the group?
- Rhoda, from Malvern, PA

A: Most parents rush in to solve the problems of children and forget to teach them how to solve problems—a very necessary skill.

D = daughter M = mom

D: The other girls don't include me.

M: How does that feel? (The first respectful response to a child is to acknowledge her feelings.)

D: Sad

M: What did you do when that happened?

D: I came in to tell you.

M: Can you think of anything else you could do?

D: I could tell them I don't want to play with them either (M: gives no response.)

M: Can you think of anything else you could do?

D: I could ask them again to please let me play.

M: (keeps asking for any other ideas from daughter until the daughter cannot think of any more). Mother does not judge any of the answers. Even if the child says, "I could punch her," mom continues with the question, "What else could you do?"

M: Good thinking. You thought of lots of things you could do. Which one will you try the next time this happens?

D: picks one.

M: What do you think will happen if you do that (getting her to think of consequences of behaviors)

D: answers

M: Let me know how it turns out.

Life is full of dilemmas. Successful people think of solutions. Dependent people look to others to solve it for them. It's so easy to feel sorry for children and give them solutions. It's tempting but it also invites dependency and might train a child to be a victim. It's a parent's job to teach children to be independent, self-sufficient, and one of the best ways to get there is by learning how to solve problems.

For future playdates, gather the girls together to present what I like to call "logical starts."

Girls, we are happy to welcome you to our home. We have a few rules. They are (state any rule or two if you like). The one I recommend is: Respect yourself and others. Respect means that no one is left out of any activity. Each one can choose not to play, but must be included if they wish.

I try to avoid problems if possible. When other problems come up I ask the group to stop, discuss the issue and agree on a solution. The agreement must be by consensus—no voting. We don't vote because that creates factions, one group against another. The goal is to teach cooperation and everyone has "veto power."

Betty Lou Bettner, Ph.D.

Dr. Bettner has her private practice specializing in individual, couple and family counseling and is the Director of the Family Education center in Springfield, Pennsylvania. She is the mother of three sons and a daughter and former foster care mother of fifteen. Contact Dr. Bettner

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BULLIES

We usually react to a child who bullies others with swift solutions of punishment. This is to protect the victims of this behavior; however, it overlooks the most likely fact that the bully is almost always a child who is being bulled or abused. Before the knee-jerk response the child who bullies should be seen by someone who can see the underlying dynamics that this child deals with every day. Bullying is a way to gain power, and a child who is beaten or abused usually feels powerless. This child has seen the model of power as the one who overpowers others and so the behavior is passed on from one generation to the next. This is not to be interpreted as excusing the bully, but as a way to understand this child and use prevention strategies to help the child gain some power in a useful, constructive way.

The other part of this dilemma is to teach children how to solve problems instead of always solving their problems for them. As adults we need to protect our children but we also must teach them to be good problem solvers, to stand up for those who are being bullied, and to have open discussions in classrooms about the purpose of bullying, the discouragement of kids who hurt others, techniques for dealing with these problems, and developing lists of ideas for helping all children feel connected, belonging to the group, capable, smart, significant, needed, and courageous, able to handle what comes. Children who bully feel isolated, inadequate, unnecessary and inferior. These feelings lead to misbehavior. When we only address the behavior we are unable to see that the behavior is not the problem; it's a solution to a problem the child feels that he/she has. We need to stop looking only at the symptoms—we need to look at the disease—discouragement, and address it.