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Dads Only - How Fatherhood Changes Men
People always say that life will
never be the same after having a child.
How, exactly does becoming a father
change a man?
There's an old saying in the Talmud
that a man has three names: the one his parents
gave him at birth, the one that others call him,
and the one he calls himself. A person's identity,
according to the rabbis, is a rather amorphous
thing. What the rabbis don't talk about is that
all three of those names are subject to change
over time--especially the one you give yourself.
So who are you these days? The same person you
were a few years ago? Probably not. And one of
the biggest reasons you're not is that being a
father has changed you.
Over a period of nearly two years, University
of California-Berkeley researchers Phil and Carolyn
Cowan asked a large number of men to draw a circle
and divide it up into sections that reflected
how important each aspect of their life felt--not
the amount of time in the role. Over the study
period, childless men showed a significant increase
in the "partner/lover" aspect. But young fathers
were squeezing "partner/lover" into a smaller
space to accommodate the significant increase
in the "parent" piece of the pie.
As the parenting pie grows, other things happen
too. Here are a number of ways that the men in
my survey (and several other studies as well)
said fatherhood changed them:
- Confidence and pride.
Having a close relationship with your child
helps build his confidence and self-esteem.
It also helps build yours. Being able to stop
your child's tears, making him laugh, or knowing
how much he idolizes you can make you feel incredibly
competent, and the pride you feel when you see
all the great things he can do becomes confirmation
that you're doing pretty well at this whole
fathering thing. For a while, at least, your
child is going to share all your tastes--in
music, literature, movies, art, career, politics,
and food (as long is it's not too spicy). A
lot of these things will change as your child
grows up. But I can hardly describe the feeling
of pride I get when my kids start discussing
Hitchcock movies with my adult friends, belt
out a few Janis Joplin lyrics, or pop in a CD
of Elgar's cello concerto while they're doing
their homework. But beware. Confidence and pride
are often made of pretty thin veneer: any misbehavior--especially
public--can suddenly make you feel you feel
as though you've failed as a father.
- Patience--and a better
sense of humor. Things are going to
go wrong, whether you like it or not, and you
have two choices: take everything seriously
and try to change the world, or roll with it
and laugh. Learning to laugh at yourself can
rub off in other areas and might make you more
understanding of the mistakes other people make.
- Flexible thinking.
At this point it's almost impossible to tell
the difference between your child's needs, your
needs, and your partner's needs. In a perfect
world they'd mutually reinforce one another.
But on this planet, these needs "are to varying
degrees in opposition, imposing frustrations
and sorrows and forcing mutual adaptation,"
says the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry
(GAP). As you get more experienced as a parent,
your ability to prepare for the future and come
up with contingency plans will grow. You'll
also learn the incredibly valuable skill of
being able to see a variety of different points
of view at the same time. For example, most
new couples say that having children brought
them closer together. At the same time, though,
they say that labor around the house has been
divided along traditional lines.
- Return to childhood.
Having kids gives you a great opportunity to
reread all those great books from when you were
a kid and disappear back into the world of King
Arthur and the Hobbit. It also gives you a rare
chance to say words like "poop" and "pee" in
public again.
- Creativity. A
lot of parents suddenly get inspired to create.
A. A. Milne (who wrote the Winnie the Pooh books)
and J. K. Rowling (of Harry Potter fame) are
just two who wrote for their kids. If you're
giving your kids music or art lessons, you might
develop a talent you never thought you had or
rediscover the urge to perform at school talent
shows.
- Reordering priorities.
Having kids contributes to a heightened awareness
of other's perspectives, says researcher Rob
Palkovitz. A lot of guys admit that they were
somewhat selfish and self-centered before having
kids. This isn't necessarily a negative thing;
it's simply an acknowledgment that having people
depend on you and putting their needs before
your own isn't something that comes naturally
to most people before they become parents. What's
especially interesting is that, according to
Palkovitz, getting married didn't trigger this
same realization.
- Changing values.
Becoming a father will make you take a long,
hard look at your fundamental beliefs and values.
Things you may have thought were harmless when
you were younger, such as not caring about money
or material possessions, promiscuous sex, and
even smoking a little dope, look completely
different now that you've got a family to support.
You'll start seeing the world in different terms.
You may have thought about issues like pollution,
terrorism, energy policy, Latin American debt,
homelessness, AIDS, poverty, and even cloth
vs. disposable diapers before, but now, instead
of being abstract things that happen to other
people, they're possible threats to your child
and your family.
Having children will also
help you clarify a lot of your beliefs. Teaching
your child to say that the guy you didn't vote
for in the last election is a jerk is one thing.
But try explaining to your childóin terms he can
understandówhat war is, what the death penalty
is, why some people are rich while others live
on the street. You might find yourself changing
your mind about a few things now that they might
affect your family.
Interestingly, older fathers report doing less
soul-searching than younger fathers. The older
guys come into fatherhood feeling more mature
and having had more of a chance to hone their
philosophy of life.
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Reprinted with permission from Armin
Brott, www.mrdad.com.
Armin Brott is the author of Father For Life:
A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change.
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