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Dads Only - Help & Support for Stay-at-Home
Dads
I'm a stay-at-home dad and I'm finding
the whole thing incredibly isolating. I'd like
to hook up with some other parents but don't feel
comfortable (or welcome) at mothers' groups. Got
any suggestions?
You're absolutely right, being a
stay-at-home dad can sometimes be a lonely experience.
There's not a lot of social support for dads out
there and we're still often looked at as something
of a novelty when we're out with our kids.
One of the best ways to overcome your feelings
of isolation or loneliness is to join or start
a fathers' group. Because guys aren't usually
drawn to support groups (smacks too much of asking
for help), this may sound like a silly idea. But
here are a few great why getting involved in a
support group is a better idea than you might
think:
- You'll learn some a lot. Your
wife--and just about any other mother you know--gets
a huge amount of parenting information and advice
from other women: where to buy the best used
kids' clothes, places to take the kids on rainy
days, sure-fire cures for illnesses, ways to
deal with summer sniffles, the names of incredible
babysitters, and more. As a guy (aka someone
who's supposed to know everything about everything),
chances are you're not going to ask a woman
for the answers to your questions. And you're
not likely to turn to the parenting magazines,
which, because they're generally targeted at
women, will make you feel somewhat out of place.
But you--and the other dads you know--know more
than you think and you can help each other a
lot.
- Support. Yes, men are getting
more used to sharing their feelings these days,
but we still don't do it as often as we probably
should--particularly in front of women. But
a group of guys provides an opportunity to talk
about things you may be too embarrassed to discuss
with your wife, such as the changes in your
sex life. At times like these, you need a couple
guys who are--or have been--going through some
of the same things your have been.
- The feeling that you're not alone.
Whatever sorts of worries or weird or scary
or joyous thoughts you're having about being
a dad, you're not the only one who's had them.
Getting other guys' perspectives will help you
make sense of things. And your perspectives
will help them too.
- Encouragement and incentive.
Sometimes having a group to report back to makes
doing unpleasant tasks a little easier.
- It's good for you. Research has
found that fathers who join support groups are
happier than those who don't. The fact is that
no matter how tough a guy you are, you can always
benefit from some extra advice and support.
Finding other dads to join
a group won't be easy. But if you put the word
out at your church or synagogue, your wife's OB's
office, your pediatrician's office, or even to
the women in those mothers' groups you've seen.
I guarantee you'll get some responses. You should
also check out Slowlane.com (http://www.slowlane.com/),
which has a wonderful collection of resources
and articles, a list of dads' groups across the
country, and even a national convention.
Even if you don't feel comfortable joining a group
(and there are plenty of us who aren't, so don't
feel bad), try to make regular contact with other
dads anyway. Go out for a beer with another dad
or check out some of the chat groups on the Web.
You can't grow and develop as a father if you
try to do your parenting in a vacuum. And trying
to do everything on your own puts a lot of unnecessary
pressure on you and your kids.
*******************************
Reprinted with permission from Armin
Brott, www.mrdad.com.
Armin Brott is the author of Father For Life:
A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change
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