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Dads Only - 8 Things Women Can Do to Get Fathers
More Involved
How can I get my husband to do more
around the house and with our child?
About 90 percent of couples experience
an increase in stress after their children are
born. And the number one stressor, by far, is
the division of labor in the home. Unfortunately,
even the most egalitarian couples tend to slip
into traditional roles, which means that you'll
probably end up doing more of the housework and
childcare than your partner. Research shows that
the more equitably domestic tasks are distributed,
the happier wives (and husbands) are with their
marriages. So resolving these issues may be critical
to the health and success of your relationship.
How are you going to do it? Well, if your goal
is to make the division of labor around your house
fairer to you, take a deep breath and read on.
- Look at it from his perspective.
Researchers have found that women tend to measure
what their husbands do around the house against
what they do. Not surprisingly, on that kind
of scale, most men fail miserably. Men themselves,
though, compare what they do to what their fathers--and
sometimes even against their male friends and
coworkers--do. Using this standard, most husbands
feel pretty satisfied with themselves and their
contributions around the house.
- Don't ask for help.
Just as men need to re-think their family roles
as "assistants" to mothers, women need to change
their ideas about what's reasonable to expect
from their partners. Asking him for "help"
only reinforces the view that he shouldn't have
much responsibility for the care and management
of children. Of course, that doesn't you shouldn't
ask him to do his share--of course he should.
Asking for "help" makes it seem like
whatever he's "helping" with is really your
job and that you should be grateful.
- Adjust your standards.
Let's face it, men and women often
have very different standards. "When my husband
says the kitchen is clean he means that the
dishes are in the dishwasher," says one mother.
"The counter can still be filthy and the floor
can still be covered with dirt." Adjusting your
standards to his level doesn't mean that the
kids will be wearing the same clothes every
day. Also, there are a lot of different ways
to change diapers, play, teach, and entertain
the children. Yours isn't always the right one.
The fact is that if you adjust your standards,
your husband will be more involved in the household
and with the kids. No child ever suffered a
long term trauma by having her diaper put on
a bit looser than it should be or by going out
of the house with oatmeal stuck in her hair.
It's hard to shift standards because for many
women attention to domestic issues is part of
their upbringing and part of they define themselves.
- Go on strike.
The days of the "second shift" where women try
to do it all--work outside all day and do all
the work at home, too--are over. Let your spouse
or partner know that you have limits. A well-timed
"your arm's not broken, do it yourself" may
occasionally be a helpful reminder that men
and women are partners in parenting.
Because you may begin to notice the unswept
coffee grounds before he does, one of your biggest
challenges may be to close your eyes to the
mess and stick to your guns. Your partner will
certainly get the message when he runs out of
clean underwear. But if he senses that you'll
give in before he does, he'll never learn to
do his part.
- Be (a little) insincere.
As a group, men generally dislike doing things
that make them feel incompetent. At the same
time, they're suckers for compliments. So, one
of the best ways to get your partner to do something
he doesn't like to do is to praise him even
when you know you could do it better. Television
characters from Lucy Ricardo to Roseanne Conner
figured this out long ago, and the same applies
in real life: sweet-talk soothes; nagging only
irritates. Tell him what a great job he's doing
already and ask him to do the same thing again.
Indirect compliments are effective too--let
him hear you raving to a friend about how well
he's done some recent task. Sound manipulative?
Maybe but it works. The more he feels that you're
noticing and appreciating his efforts, the more
he'll do. Guaranteed.
- Don't be a gatekeeper.
Many women tend to take charge of the household
and childcare domains because this is the one
arena that they can still control. But far too
many women are so intent on keeping control
of the household that they don't leave enough
space for their partners to participate. For
other women, control is not the issue, they
just assume that men are either uninterested
or incompetent. And men get the message: many
find it easier to just back off. Your partner
is part of the first generation of fathers to
be seriously expected to take an active role
in the home. By the time women become mothers,
most have had years of subtle (or not so subtle)
training. Female role models are plentiful,
as are resources, from women's magazines to
breastfeeding guides. But good male role models
are rare, as is information specifically designed
to help men prepare for fatherhood. The moral
of the story? Even if you know how to stop the
baby from crying, let your partner try to figure
it out for himself before jumping in. Men and
women have different approaches to the same
issue and fathers need the confidence that only
comes with practice. Letting him develop his
own parenting style will also give your family
twice as many baby-care options.
Especially after divorce, mothers need to open
the gates and let their children have access
to their fathers. It is important to remember
that they may be ex-husbands but they'll never
be ex-fathers.
- Share and share alike.
No single job in your home is any more valuable
than any other, so assign everything to the
most qualified person--unless, of course, that
turns out to be completely unfair. So make a
list of everything that needs to get done. If
you're good at something or like to do it, it's
yours. (At the same time, your partner gets
to do his chores his way.)
Another option is to assign tasks to whichever
of you cares the most. If a scummy bathtub bugs
you more than it does him, clean it yourself.
If he hates crumbs on the carpet, he gets to
vacuum. Problems can arise, though, when one
of you says, "Gee honey, nothing bothers
me," and the other gets stuck doing it
all. These situations call for careful negotiation.
You can do the more unpleasant jobs together
or, if the budget permits, hire someone to do
them for you. And just to make sure that everyone
gets to have fun, switch responsibilities once
in a while (if for no other reason than to get
a better appreciation of what the other does).
And be willing to bend gender stereotypes along
with your partner. If you expect him to plan
a meal and cook it, you should be prepared to
unclog the toilet or change the oil in the car.
- Re-define work.
When dividing up responsibilities many couples
have trouble defining what, exactly, the term
"work" means. In many families, for example,
couples err by neglecting to give parenting
the same weight as ordinary chores. Yet childcare
takes at least as much time, and may be just
as tiring, as shopping and mopping. So even
if your partner is wrestling with the baby while
you're making dinner, things might not be as
unequal as they seem. True, he may be having
more fun but somebody has to do it. And if he
plays with the baby today, he can fix dinner
tomorrow while you wrestle.
The New Man may strike you as a great idea. But
the Old Man has been around for tens of thousands
of years, and he's not going to disappear overnight.
Even in these relatively enlightened times much
of the domestic burden is going to continue to
fall on you. But not all of it, and not all the
time. You may need to give your expectations a
reality check. Change between you and your partner
may be slow. But if you work it out, you'll see
significant improvement--in your workload, in
the quality of your marriage, and in your life
together as parents.
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Reprinted with permission from Armin
Brott, www.mrdad.com.
Armin Brott is the author of Father For Life:
A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change.
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